and things are moving quick.
oh where has the time gone, what have I prepared myself for..
this is crunch time, and as slow as the minute goes by, in just a few moments, it’s gonna hit me right dead in the face.
this shall not be my breaking point, as this is the time to buckle down for the ride and stand strong.

still scared as shit, still nervous to see what else the world has to offer me and this life that this lovely man has granted me to spend it with..

but I’ve never been so happy and so excited to start anew, and to see where life carry on from this on out. 

of having to understand myself.
why I put myself in these kind of positions, and why I complain, yet don’t do anything about it. is it just the self-work and motivation I put myself through to get what I want? or is it just me being selfish, is it me being an asshole? is it the whole being tied down thing or having a selfish boyfriend? 

as my heart races out of nowhere, the more I start to freak out at everything. I try to hold things in me, but the more I do, the more my heart races, the more I freak out. The more I freak out the more I check my pulse, my blood pressure, I try to calm down but my heart just keeps pounding in and out of my fucking chest.

I feel like I got everything in my future set out and I’m preparing myself, I feel like I know what I’m doing and where I’m going and how I’m going to get it.

but in honesties, I’m fucking scared. I’m fucking freaking the fuck out. I’m an idiot, but at the same time I like it. for once, I just need to stop my tracks and smell the roses. :(

I’m sorry, everyone.
I’m sorry for pushing everyone away.
I’m sorry for not trying to do anything about it.
I’m sorry for not giving the time of day to anyone.
I’m sorry for everything that I have done to either of you guys for the past few month or so.

it hit me that I don’t have a life anymore. feels like I’m in shackles and chains, and I’m just waiting to be set free once all these chaotic events are out of my life.

I can’t give much other than an apology for these wrong doings, but I hope you guys can forgive and trust me on this; I’ll get out of this funk soon, and I’ll be the Lo you guys once knew, lol :) 

Don’t know what is on my mind, really. a million thoughts scrimmages through it, but lately I just been feeling dead.. numb.. just a blank thought, just a blank face.

I once gave it my all, and when it gets thrown back in my face, I feel like I lost some of my senses, I feel like I lost the feeling to be able to give it all again. Hurt? Distraught? Discouraged? Guarded? I don’t know.

helainetieu:

The fact that you have to live with who you are is punishment enough.